Friday, November 12, 2010

Giving Up My Apple Jacks

Having a baby just changes everything doesn't it? I mean, not everything. I haven't changed what kind of cereal I eat, but let's face it...the Apple Jacks are just bound to get in the way at some point. Well, technically I'm not eating much cereal these days since Jonah has an intolerance to lactose in the breast milk. So there ya have it. Having a baby changes everything.
I never thought I could tolerate so much change at once. But, just to beat a dead horse, things change, (including you!) when you have a baby. I was bound and determined that this would not happen to me. All of my friends speculated and pondered amongst themselves how things would be different once Jonah was born. This made me even more ambitious to keep things the same. I'll still be the same person. I will continue to lead my small group, hang out with the same crowd, keep the same hours, keep the house in order. I'll show them!
I mean, I was determined. Turns out that God was more determined. He has a way of breaking you down in a gentle way, yet not without pain. I fought until it came to tears. It hurt me every time I realized that the house would have to go another day in disarray. Every time I had to make a tough decision that affected other people (stepping down from small group leadership or making the decision to stop traveling to see family as often.) Every time the control freak in me wouldn't allow my husband to pack the diaper bag or pick out the baby's clothes for the day. I ended up being the one who was a little more broken. Even less in control than when I had set out on this perilous rebellion against God's will. Until finally it came to a head and I had no choice but to let go.
I am different. And I am proud of it. Different doesn't have to mean worse. Not for you or for others in relation to you. Isn't that freeing? That's what God's love did for me. It freed me from the bondage of perfectionism, approval addiction, and the need to control. He loves me too much to leave me the same. Don't get me wrong...I still struggle with these issues from time to time. But now instead of wallowing in them, I can acknowledge my slip, hand it over to Jesus and just keep on dancing down that aisle at Babies R Us.
So today, my house is untidy, Jonah's clothes don't exactly match (my doing, not my husband's), and I have more on my to-do list than I care to acknowledge. But, I've been changed. And I can embrace that.
Even if it means giving up my Apple Jacks.

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